Don’t Fall in Love with Your Pain

You want to know how to manifest money, lose weight, and get over your mild depression - that undercurrent of melancholy that started during the holiday season and is still lingering. Maybe you feel stuck in a crummy job, a crummy relationship, or you want to actually start working on your passion projects, instead of thinking about how you should be working on them, but then procrastinating and finding yourself stuck on the couch, snacking on oatmeal cookies and eating peanut butter out of the jar.

If you feel stuck, held back by fear, or you want to experience more joy, then here’s the key to all of the above: Don’t fall in love with your pain.

Huh? How can you fall in love with pain? Consciously, you tell yourself that you want to get in shape, or finally clear the clutter out of your house, but unconsciously, you’ve become used to the painful condition, especially if it’s bearable. It stings, but not enough for you to make any real change.

Oftentimes, it’s easy to leave an unhealthy relationship, because it’s obvious that it’s the right thing to do, but it can feel more difficult to leave a relationship that is more middle-of-the-road, one that doesn’t ignite your spirit and foster your personal growth. It can be easy to see that you need to take a break from dessert when your pants no longer fit, but it can feel a lot more challenging to opt for a salad when they’re just a little snug, when you can drape a baggy tunic over some leggings and no one is any the wiser.


Here’s the key: You can get so comfortable with living in a state of mild depression, staying in an unhealthy relationship, or holding onto those extra ten pounds, that it can start to feel like home. Don’t fall in love with your pain. Be willing to release it. Be willing to make the changes necessary to shift to joy.

One of the greatest enemies of joy is complacency. You can feel complacent in a subpar job, a subpar relationship, or a subpar living condition. You can become so familiar with a person, circumstance, or emotional state, that it starts to feel good, not because it’s good for you, but because it’s comfortable. 

Whereas you once rented a place in the House of Depression, now, you’ve committed to a mortgage.

While you took that job during what was supposed to be a time of transition in your life, you’ve stayed too long; now, you can’t even fathom what other work you could pursue. What was supposed to be a month-long hiatus from dating has turned into a three-year period of solitude, and now, it feels safer to be alone than it does to have a partner.

You say you want more, or better, but your brain literally won’t let you make different choices. You see, you’ve developed habits, both behavioral, as well as habits of thinking, and these negative patterns are not just non-physical manifestations, there are actual neural pathways that have formed in your brain as a result of repeatedly making the wrong choice.

How does that affect your ability to manifest a life filled with peace, love, and abundance? When it comes time to make a decision, or take an action step, you will feel much more inclined to play out the same old patterns, because those pathways have been formed. You’ve developed a pathway for eating junk food, for putting up with inappropriate behavior in your relationships, or procrastinating when you know it only causes you stress in the long-term.

So, in order to make any positive change, it’s going to require that you step out of your comfort zone. It’s going to require your willingness to let go of what feels safe in order to create a life that you are excited to live. It’s going to require a breakup with your tempting lover, Mr. Pain.

Break Up With Your Pain

Sit quietly in a comfortable position for 15-20 minutes. Scan your body to see if you’re holding onto any tension, and if you are, relax. Notice your thoughts as they arise. Let them come and go. Don’t try to stop them; simply pay attention. Focus on your breath. Focus on the sensation of your body. In other words, sit down to meditate! If you think you can’t meditate, because it’s too hard, or you just can’t seem to make yourself, check out my video The Real Reason Why You Don’t Meditate.

Once you are in a peaceful, aware state, take out a piece of paper and a pen. You’re going to write a letter - a breakup letter to Mr. Pain.


Begin with the following:

Dear Mr. Pain,

While I’ve learned many lessons over the course of our relationship, and you’ve even helped me to identify what it is that I truly want in life, it’s time for us to breakup. I’m letting you go. I’m willing to release your hold on me, and I’m willing to accept more love, joy, and peace than I ever could’ve imagined.

I’m releasing…

List out everything you’re willing to release: excuses, your tendency towards victimhood, debt, insecurity, self-sabotaging behaviors, etc. Be as specific as possible:

I release the need to eat sugary food when I’m feeling sad, or overwhelmed. I release the need to put things on credit card that I can’t afford.

For an entire week, take fifteen minutes to get still and centered by sitting and focusing on your breath. Then, read the letter - once in your mind and then aloud and with expression. At the end of the week, read the letter aloud and then dispose of it. You can burn it, bury it, or throw it into the ocean. Feel the release. You might even want to take a deep breath and let out a long sigh. 

All it takes to step into greater versions of yourself, to become the you who is willing to be vulnerable, who pursues passion projects, who is bold, confident and unwavering, is the smallest amount of willingness to release your pain. Be willing to receive greater amounts of love, more financial freedom, and experience more fun, by recognizing that while the painful parts of your personality, or your life may feel comfortable, they’re what’s keeping you back from fulfilling your purpose. So, breakup with Mr. Pain. Tell him to hit the road. It’s time for you to let go of what’s no longer serving you so you can manifest the life you deserve and feel happy again. For more tips on releasing blocks, be sure to check out How to Release Resistance.



Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve been on the spiritual path for 15 years, and this blog is where I share mindful dating advice, thoughts on awakening & lessons I’ve learned. If you’re interested in setting up a coaching session (more about that here) send me a message.