The Real Cause of Your Impulsive Behavior


I bought a couch on Black Friday, along with a mess of Christmas gifts, and a drawerful of white, black, and cream sweaters from Banana Republic Outlet. I told myself that the reason why I wanted, no needed, a new couch (despite the fact that my old one was faded and had seen better days), was because I was stepping into a new version of me - a better version of me, dare I say, and this version of me didn't sit on a lumpy, weathered couch that might've appeared in a 1994 copy of Country Living, but rather, this version needed something sleek, something sexy.

So, even though I'm "saving" money, I bought a couch. When it was delivered, I had two epiphanies simultaneously:

1.I didn't need a new couch.

and 2.The couch was an impulse buy, and I, Jessie Leon, can be awfully impulsive.

My impulsivity has led me down the traditional roads: cutting off all of my hair, tattoos (including my ex-boyfriend's name), quitting jobs, breaking up, taking new jobs, moving, and once, I even took a hammer and decided it was a good idea to try to demolition my kitchen because the cupboards were bothering me (might I mention my apartment was a rental?).

And so what is at the root of this, this impulsive behavior, this urge to have, or buy, or intake, or sleep with, or consume - suddenly and without logic? What is at the root of this irrepressible desire for change? What is the metaphysical root of my madness, you ask?

It's not being able to contain the new energy. It's desiring more than we're ready for. It's wanting to leap but not being able to step forward. Our spirits our calling us towards something greater: a bolder version of ourselves, more bravery, more openness - surrender - but we're not ready. We're shut down. We're upper-limiting.

And so we bing. We have sex. We buy. We fill the hole of not being connected to our source.

The truth is: I have a great desire to create, and it's pressing down on me like a million pounds of steel.

And when I can't create, I buy a couch. I eat a bag of cookies, and I decide that I need to fashion myself in only muted, monochromatic colors. I go unconscious. Maybe you do, too.

The root of the root - the real cause of our impulsivity - is we are not allowing the divine to flow through us; we are not living up to our potential; we are not allowing consciousness to express itself through us, and we need to. We need to find a way to let spirit express itself through our talents, our loves, and our passions, or we will go unconscious.

And rack up quite a credit card bill while we're at it.