Why We Act Like Lunatics in the Beginning of A Relationship
Let me begin by saying that I reserve the right to act like a lunatic in the beginning, middle, and end of my relationships, but nonetheless, I can be extra lunatic-like in the beginning; as we all can. There is a metaphysical reason for our incessant questioning of the other person's motivations, checking our phones non-stop, worrying when we don't receive a text on schedule, fearful that we are falling in love with a person who feels lukewarm about us: Our egos are petrified of joining with another; the act of union brings up every fear about love, both conscious and unconscious, and we react to the smallest things from a place of trauma, a past neglect, an insecurity that was born years prior.
We shut down. We start fights. We call our friends, asking them to analyze our partner's text. It goes something like this:
So, John said he was going to call me when he got back from that work thing, and it's midnight, and I still haven't heard from him.
He probably just fell asleep. Don't worry.
Well, you know that girl is there, Susan. They used to date before we met.
So... you know. What if?
Our minds take us to treacherous places. We act out of character. We lose our cool. We become neurotic. Believe me, I've been there, weeping like a maniac over some insignificant exchange, certain that the slightest change in body language signified my partner's loss of interest. The truth is that our egos, the individual identity and thought stream with which we identify, the part of us that wants to protect us from all pain, is terrified of joining, is positively petrified of love.
As we begin to fall in love, we must allow ourselves to become vulnerable. We must let down our walls. We must not react from the voice that tells us that it is dangerous to give our heart to another.
It is scary as hell.
So what do we do?
Affirm: It is safe to receive love. I choose love. I choose peace. When fear arises (and it will), disguised as jealousy, anxiety, and insecurities, the truth is that, on some level (mostly unconscious) we are afraid of receiving love. So, we breathe, and we affirm. We take a moment to center ourselves, and we affirm the opposite - that is safe to receive love. There's nothing to fear.
2.We let our emotions come and go.
Sadness, anxiety, and emotional turmoil is natural, like ocean waves. It's fine to feel depressed. It's okay to have insecurities surface. The world teaches us that these things are negative, and that we should repress them by overeating, drinking, or online shopping. Feelings are meant to be felt. As soon as we do, they pass. On Monday, we feel lonely as we cry in bed. On Tuesday, we go out to dinner with friends, and we laugh and celebrate. Let your emotions pass through you. Don't resist them. This is a key idea in A Course of Love, a spiritual text that helped me to open my heart when it scared me half to death.
3.We do not react out of fear. We choose again.
I can be completely insane; but because I have a spiritual practice and am in touch with my spirit, I recognize my insanity. My thoughts can go to crazy places: He doesn't love me anymore! I watch them, and I may even break down, but I don't react out of them (most of the time!). There is a part of me who would run away from every partner forever, but I can't listen to that part. I choose again; I choose new thoughts. Okay Jessie, you're being a little irrational here, I tell myself. It's time to meditate and pray. We can pray away our crazy. God, I'm willing to look at this differently. Help me to shift my perception. I choose to see things clearly, not through my fears, but through love. Repeat that prayer for thirty minutes, and I promise you that your perception will completely shift. Whatever fears were consuming you will be taken from you and replaced by relief and clarity. There is never (really) anything to worry about; our minds just take us to dark places.
A Course in Miracles says that each moment, we are making a choice: fear or love. As we become more conscious, more present of our shadows, fears, and limiting beliefs, we can choose love; even if we never have in the past, even if it scares us. We can choose to trust, to open up more, to communicate, and to love another unconditionally. As we continue to choose love, time after time, we learn that it is safe to open up our hearts, and we align with our spirit.