How to Fix Your Relationship When You’ve Messed Up
You want to know how to fix your relationship, because you messed up: You threw a tantrum, acted selfishly, or failed to show up for your partner, once, twice, or repeatedly over the course of several years. Your mind tells you that your relationship is unsalvageable, that your partner will never forgive you, and that there’s no moving forward, because everything feels broken. You want to know how to repair, rekindle, or better still, rewind.
How do you mend your relationship when it feels impossible? How do you reclaim the love you and your partner felt in the beginning? How do you undo the fear, shame, guilt, and betrayal?
It’s not only possible, it’s promised. Here’s the only question you have to ask yourself ever: Where is the miracle?
There is No Mistake God Cannot Fix
A Course in Miracles is a spiritual self-study course for retraining the mind. In the first chapter, it offers 101 principles that define and explain miracles, as the misconception that most people hold is that a miracle is when a person is on the verge of death and has a spontaneous healing. Now, yes, that is one example of a miracle, but, in actuality, the definition of a miracle is both much broader and also much simpler.
Principle #12 in ACIM states, “Miracles are thoughts. Thoughts can represent lower-order or higher-order reality.”
What does this mean?
Basically, you can perceive your life through the eyes of love, or the eyes of fear. When you are in a fearful, conditioned state, you walk around judging others. I don’t like that skirt. The boss should have ended the meeting earlier. My partner should’ve done the dishes. It’s raining out. Ugh. I hate the rain. When’s summer coming?
From this state of being, your life starts to feel humdrum. You lose the magic, the dynamism, and the wonder. You go from having the childlike innocence of a child to experiencing life as a grumpy adult - bitching, nagging, and complaining to your partner, date, or mom about how the train was late, or how you’ll never get out of your crummy job. From this state of being, you create a life that feels, well, lackluster.
Or: You can choose to see life through the eyes of love. You can listen to the birds chirp as you awaken in the morning. You can contemplate how blessed you are all throughout the day - before you eat, when someone gives you a hug, or as you settle into bed in your warm home.
From this state of being, your relationship naturally flourishes. You express appreciation for your partner. You catch yourself right before you’re about to nag him, and instead, you choose a loving thought. You see how hard he works and how he’s trying his best, rather than pointing out all of the ways he’s disappointing you. Your relationship naturally transforms into a catalyst for your spiritual growth. You become kinder, peaceful, and better able to both express and receive love.
A miracle is a shift from fear to love.
One moment, you’re in the middle of a fight, and your mind is complaining that he’s an asshole, and the next, you feel deep, overwhelming gratitude. You recognize that your fight is based on trivial bullshit. You apologize. This is a miracle.
You’ve now shifted into what A Course in Miracles calls higher-order reality. From this place, your relationship and your life will begin to change.
What if you’ve already messed up? Is the damage done?
There is Nothing that a Miracle Cannot Undo
Get this in your head: We’re talking about God. We’re talking about the creative energy that birthed the universe. We’re talking about the force that keeps your heart beating and makes the sun rise every day. Stop viewing your small life through the small perspective of the world.
Change your mind. Start to tell yourself about the magnitude of the divine, of the healing nature of love. There is nothing that cannot be fixed if you are miracle-minded. There is nothing that love cannot set straight.
Principle #13: “They (miracles) undo the past in the present and thus release the future.”
This is what you want to pray for, this is the miracle: When you shift to a truly loving state, when you are willing to see all people, things, and circumstances through the eyes of love, the miracle undoes the pain that your past fear caused.
In this way, a miracle is a great eraser.
You messed up? Shift to love.
You acted like a brat? Shift to love. Pray.
You were dishonest? Shift to love. Stop thinking negative thoughts. Pray for the Holy Spirit to guide your mind.
You took your partner for granted? Ask the Holy Spirit what’s the first step you can take to heal your relationship.
Pray for a miracle. Ask yourself once, twice, three thousand times a day: Where is the miracle?
Nothing is impossible with God. No thing is irreparable. No mistake is too big for God to heal, but you have to do your part: You have to be willing to shift from fear to love. You have to be willing to let go of judgements, insecurities, thoughts of lack, and resentments. You have to be willing to shift to gratitude and forgiveness; you have to say I’m sorry, I love you, forgive me.
A miracle will change not just the present moment, it will also change the past, as well as your future.
You must have faith. You must be willing to shift your perception. Shut off the television. Put down your phone, and be willing to spend time connecting with the Christ consciousness within you. Be willing to tap into your Spirit - that part of you that is healing, loving, and only sees the beauty in your partner, as well as in your relationship.
For more tools on how to shift to love and restore the love in your relationship, be sure to check out:
Ask yourself: Where is the miracle? Pray for a miracle. If you messed up, pray. If you were wrong, pray. If you don’t know what else to do, pray. Turn it over to God, and watch what happens. Let love set your life on fire. Let love free you, unburden you, and release you from past mistakes. You can do it. It’s your birthright. Learn how to expect miracles, and they will not only transform your relationship, they will change how you and your partner remember the past, and as the both of you heal, they will reset your future.
Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve been on the spiritual path for 15 years, and this blog is where I share mindful dating advice, thoughts on awakening & lessons I’ve learned. If you’re interested in setting up a coaching session (more about that here) send me a message.