How to Get Over Breaking Up With Your Twin Flame

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Once, after a rough breakup, on my way to meet my mother at the park (where we would talk and drink pocket-sized bottles of hard liquor at 11 a.m.), I stopped in the street, because something caught my eye: a gigantic, old tree that was completely uprooted and had fallen to the ground. Surrounding the fallen tree were leaves, flowers, and array of foliage, almost as if the soon-to-be-decomposing tree was returning to the earth, only to brith more life - new life. 

Breaking up is difficult, especially if it’s with someone you’ve felt connected to spiritually. It can feel as if your entire world has toppled over, leaving you uncertain and angry. It’s easy to feel like you’re a gigantic, old tree that has been uprooted. You can hardly get up off the ground, much less notice the flowers blooming nearby. If you want to reclaim your life and move on after a breakup, here are 5 steps you can take that will allow you to make sense of the loss and move forward with confidence.

1.Give the breakup meaning.

Post-breakup is the easiest time to go unconscious and dwell on feelings of anger, resentment, or sadness. Your mind is constantly seeking for meaning, and so a litany of questions (none of which can be answered) rise up within you: Why did I even have to meet him? What did I do to deserve this? Did I ever even truly know her? What’s all this for? Why me? The only real answer is that it has happened, and because it’s happened (and is over), you must find a way to accept it, and the first step is to give it meaning.

If you don’t you will get stuck - emotionally and energetically. This is the story of someone who got divorced six years ago, but who refuses to date (still), because she’s unknowingly built walls around her heart. This is what happened to someone who (still) complains about her ex-boyfriend from three years ago. Her mind has not processed the pain and allowed the emotions to come and go, and so, she continues to grapple with the ending of the relationship. You don’t want get stuck resenting your ex, and so, in order to move on, you must first give the breakup meaning. Doing this will help you to find closure.

Here are some examples of how you can make meaning, (but you must find the way that fits within your worldview and makes sense to you):

  • I’ve grown a lot over the course of this relationship, and I’ve emerged a more resilient, positive person because of it. I had to experience this relationship to grow.

  • I attracted this person when I was young and not as emotionally mature. I’m now ready to attract someone who resonates with my current level of consciousness.

  • I had an amazing relationship with this person, and we helped each other to awaken and connect with our divine spirit, but I must let this partner go, because we’ve learned all we can together, and we’re both ready for the next stage of our journey.

Here’s the key: You must be willing to move beyond the phase of continually asking why, the phase where you’re shocked, because your whole world has been uprooted and you don’t feel safe. You must make meaning of your relationship, because this is the only way to move on. If not, an unresolved question mark lingers in your mind, and you will continue to revisit it in some attempt at resolution. Choose to resolve it now for the sake of your own emotional well-being.

2.Heal and integrate the parts of your psyche that need healing.

Your partner is a mirror of the unhealed parts of yourself. For about a year, I went on an online dating rampage, during which time I had a few short relationships that burned out just as they got started. I had a deep fear of being vulnerable and receiving love that was unconscious. On a conscious level, I told myself that I was ready for an emotionally healthy spiritual partnership, but I kept attracting men who were afraid of love. Finally, in a deep mediation, the still, small voice in the depth of my being said, Jessie, you’re attracting men who are afraid of love because you are afraid of love. All of the negative attributes I assigned to my partners (being afraid of commitment, being unwilling to be vulnerable) were wounds that I had to heal within myself. I attracted men who shared similar fears as an opportunity to heal. When I learned this, I thanked my exes (energetically in a meditation, not by calling them), and I committed to opening my heart and healing.

3.Commit to doing the inner-work.

Everything is an inner-journey. I wish I could tell you that your ex is a bitch, or an asshole, and you’ll find better, but that’s not true. It’s that sort of mindset that most people hold, and that’s why most people have relationship problems and are unhappy.

When you’re unwilling to do the inner-work, you blame others (your exes), or you speak about the “lack of mindful partners” or “good men.” Declare to the Universe that you will do whatever it takes to own your fears and part in the failed relationship. Ask for guidance: How can I recognize and release the blocks I have to love? Commit to healing past wounds you have from childhood, or as a result of past relationship. This can mean starting a practice of meditation (or another mindfulness discipline), praying, or talking to a coach who can help you work through your problems. When I committed to attracting a spiritual partner and clearing my blocks to love, I set up phone sessions with a spiritual teacher who advised me each step along the way. I committed to studying A Course in Miracles and meditating every day.

4.Release & Forgive Your Ex.

Decide that you are willing to forgive and release your ex, not because you’re doing him a favor, but because you want to free yourself from the emotional turmoil that staying energetically connected brings. Every negative thought you think about your ex creates stress and pain for you (not him!), so you’re not doing your ex a favor by forgiving him, and you’re not condoning his actions; rather, forgiveness is about untethering yourself from his negative behavior so that you are no longer connected to that energy. For example, if your ex was dishonest, choose to no longer be upset about what he did wrong, and if that’s too difficult, (which it can be), then tell the Universe that you are willing to forgive and let go of your ex and pray for guidance as to how to do it. The more you are willing to let go of past grievances and resentments, the quicker you’ll find peace and be able to find a new partner who does not possess the same trait you didn’t like in your ex. Here’s the key: If you’re unwilling to forgive and release someone, you’ll attract someone who has the same energy, but as soon as you untether through forgiveness, you no longer manifest that energy in future partners.

5.Return to Your (Self).

When I say your self, I mean the divine you. Return to the still, unmoving you that some refer to as soul or spirit. Connect deeply with the part of you that knows that all is well and that is at peace with life, regardless of what negative circumstance present themselves. Part of life is detailing with challenges, upsets, illness, and disappointments. What remains at the end of the day is deeper than your thoughts and more powerful than any relationship that ended, or any pain you’re currently facing. There is a wise, loving, and peaceful part of you that knows that everything is going to be okay, that you are okay - the real you, not your ego, or self-concept. Go out in nature and meditate (I like to sit by the ocean). Look up at the sky, breathe, and get very still. Get in touch with the you that is always okay, even when you’re in pain, or suffering. Let that part wrap its arms around you and remind you that all is well. 

You learn the most about yourself through your relationships. It is through union with others that you grow, learn, and learn how to love unconditionally. Part of the spiritual journey is about rediscovering the real you - the healed, loving you - that is always present, whether you’re single, or in a relationship. While not everyone you meet on your journey will stick around for the whole way, thank them for traveling with you for as far as they have, and then get back on your path. Keep moving.