Why Your Love Life is Tragic

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You’ve got more online dating profiles than you have hairs on your head. You go on one bad date after another, engaging in the same mindless conversation about hobbies you don’t really have and your love of travel and eating out. You spend all of your money on blow-outs and cocktails; the bartender at your local bar jokes about how you’re there every other night with a new fella. Your list of sexual partners reads like a rundown of grocery items you need to pick up at Cosco before hosting Thanksgiving dinner for all of your extended family and friends. You haven’t had an emotionally mature or healthy relationship in years, or worse still, ever.

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Admit it: Your love life is tragic, and you need to do something about it a.s.a.p., or else you will become a monk, and an orange robe would just wash you out.

Well dearie, take your face out of your pillow and wipe your tears, because the key to transforming your love life is to first understand what’s causing it to suck so bad. Think of it this way: If you knew how to make it better, you would’ve, but you were unaware of the root causes of your horrible love life. Take it from me, I went on a year-long online dating rampage before it occurred to me that I was approaching it all wrong. It was only when I identified all of my mistakes that I was able to shift and attract a healthy relationship. Here are 5 reasons why your love life is so tragic. You might find that one of these reasons resonate with you, or, the real truth might be that all of these reasons apply to you. Again, stop stressing; the first step to finding the solution is identifying the problem.

Reason #1: Your love life is tragic because you’re too superficial.

My ex-boyfriend had a single friend who would only date petite women with dark hair, light eyes, and c-cups. What this means is that if the Universe brought him his perfect match - a small-chested blonde, he would’ve never been willing to give her a chance. When you’re overly superficial, it’s a sign that you don’t want a relationship; what you really want is a trophy. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take physical appearance into account when looking for love, but what I am saying is that you probably need to step out of your comfort zone and stretch your definition of beautiful.

During my insane online dating rampage, I had a crazy rule that I would only date men over 6’. It was only when I let go of this rule that I met my spiritual partner and soulmate, who is a total stud at 5’11. It would serve you to widen your dating pool. Be willing to date someone older, younger, shorter, or with a little less hair than your’e used to. You’ll be amazed how quickly someone starts to look sexy when you discover how funny, sweet, and positive he is. There’s a direct correlation between how awesome someone is and how sexy he is.

Reason #2: Your love life is tragic because you’re afraid of love.

Here’s the thing, though, you don’t actually know you’re afraid of love. Your conscious mind tells you that your’e ready for a relationship. Your conscious mind tells you that you really want a partner. However, your unconscious mind (comprised of thoughts and belief that you’re unaware of) is filled with fear. Growing up, you saw your parents fight. You felt shame over your body. You were bullied. You experienced trauma. You had awkward sexual experiences. Your mind took in all of this information and decided that it would protect you by keeping you alone. Some part of you deep down has never witnessed a healthy relationship and would be petrified to experience one.

Some part deep down doesn’t believe you’re worthy of love. This is what happened to me. After my 6-year-long relationship ended and I moved back to my home city, I met so many men who were emotionally reticent and afraid of love. It wasn’t until I was in a deeply meditative state that I heard a still, small voice whisper: It’s not them. It’s you. Ouch. All of my negative patterns began to surface. I declared to the Universe that I was willing to do anything to heal my past and learn how to open my heart. I committed to a spiritual practice. I did the inner work. 

Reason #3: Your love life is tragic because you need to work on personal growth.

You want to live a more mindful life. You want to meditate. You want to pray. You want to write in a gratitude journal and so all of those habits successful people say they do when being interviewed on YouTube, but you don’t. 

You find it impossible to sit in silence. You think it’s everyone else’s fault. There’s just no good men out there. All women are superficial bitches. You’r too old. You’ll date when you lose weight. Newsflash: These excuses are complete bullshit. 

The truth is that you don’t know yourself, because you never sit quietly with yourself. You never ask the Universe for guidance; instead, all you do is complain to the Universe for all of the things you don’t have. You’re immature, selfish, and mean, but you can’t see any of these qualities because you aren’t willing to commit to growing. It sucks to realize how bad you suck.  The more I am willing to look inward to change my life, the more aware of all of the attributes I have that keep love out of my life. This is not to say that I beat myself up for being grumpy, mean, or lazy, but rather, that I’m willing to take responsibility and try to shift. When I’m moody, I recognize it, and I apologize to my partner. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of emotional and spiritual maturity to recognize the less-than-lovable parts of your personality.

Reason #4: Your love life is tragic because you don’t know how to be in a relationship.

Your blueprint for what a relationship looks like is based off your parents’ relationship. Unfortunately, your dad, or mom left. One, or both of them, were assholes. They fought all the time. They didn’t love each other. They didn’t communicate. They cheated. They complained all the time. You witnessed dysfunction.

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Now, you want to attract a healthy relationship, but you can’t, because your’e missing a key ingredient: the blueprint. 

Your brain feels safe when it encounters the familiar. That’s why you choose the same seat in class, or don’t like to talk to new people. That’s why you eat at the same restaurant every Sunday, and you even order the same dish. Your brain feels chemistry with someone who feels familiar. Usually, this person has a quality that will allow you to re-enact the drama of your parents. If your dad was an asshole, you probably date jerks. If your mom left, you probably push away women who are ready to commit. You’re unconsciously recreating your parents’ relationship. Here’s the key: Recognize this, so you can break the pattern. For a while, I wasn’t attracted to nice guys, but then I realized that it wasn’t because they weren’t attractive; it was because I was more comfortable with men who played hard to get, then I was with a man who clearly wanted to be with me. 

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Reason #5: Your love life is tragic because you don’t know who you are, or what you want.

You’re a lump of unfolded clay. You don’t know what your values are. You don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are. You don’t know where you want to live, or what you’re passionate about. You want to attract a partner, but you have no clue what to look for, so you look for silly things, like a big salary and pretty eyes. You need to figure out what your core beliefs are before you can attract a partner who is like-minded. If you’re not sure what you believe or value, you’ll agree to date anyone (as long as that person is good-looking and has a job). Allow yourself to be picky. Figure out what you really believe and don’t settle for just anyone. Find someone who shares a similar worldview and spiritual practice.

Once you’ve zeroed in on the exact cause of your tragic love life, you can begin to shift it. Open up for guidance, and be willing to change patterns that are not serving you. The most challenging part is identifying your blocks. Once you’re aware of why your love life isn’t awesome, the Universe will help you to make changes, and you will attract your perfect match sooner than you can believe.