How to Attract the Right Man

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It took way too many bad dates before I was willing to admit that I was absolutely horrible at relationships. After my six-year-long relationship ended, I had to enter the dating scene (at 30), and while I thought I had it all figured out, I found myself dating one commitment-phobic jerk after the next. Finally, I turned to my spiritual path and mindfulness practices to figure out exactly what I was doing wrong, and I learned how to attract the right man. 

Here’s the key: To attract a different sort of man, the sort of man you’ve probably never dated before, you have to be willing to show up completely different in your romantic life. This means you need to think, feel, and behave differently. You have to be willing to completely abandon your current mindset and make a radical shift. It’s not easy to transform your dating life, but it is possible. 

Here’s a roadmap to attracting the right man:

Step 1: Commit to a spiritual practice.

You ask God, or the Universe, for a partner, but you’re unwilling to put God first. Here’s the truth: If you’re too busy to meditate, pray, or get off Instagram long enough to hear the whispers of your soul, then there’s no way you’re going to develop your ability to hear intuitive guidance. The right man could show up at your doorstep, but you’d miss him, because you’re approach to dating is from your ego (or in other words, the concept of yourself that attaches itself to your thought stream). Your mind would suggest that the perfect man was too tall, too short, or too messy, and you’d pass him over. You must tune in to the still, small voice. You must wake up ready and willing to ask for guidance and actually listen, or else, you’re going to pick another jerk with nice abs who is only looking for a booty call. Stop picking your dates. Commit to listening to guidance. Commit to a spiritual practice every morning.

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If you were diagnosed with cancer today, you’d pray for God to heal you, but you refuse to pray to God to show you what to do to get your heart ready to receive unconditional love. You won’t let God choose your partner, or tell you how to become emotionally mature. You’ll let God into some parts of your life, but not others.

Step 2: Do the inner-work.

You carry so much painful crap that you are completely unaware of the weight of your load. You have issues from childhood: Your father, brother, or uncle left, criticized you, or treated your mother poorly. Your first, second, and third boyfriends were all assholes. You have issues that you haven’t unpacked, but rather, you’ve let them sit in a closet to collect dust. Part of doing the inner-work means committing to setting aside time to sit and feel the feelings you’ve pushed down, because it felt to difficult to face them in the past. Commit to sitting quietly for 20 minutes everyday and journaling about past partners, your family, and resentments you might be carrying. You might not have a long list of past hurts to work through, or you might have a laundry list. Either way, you must begin. The pain you are carrying from the past is energetically blocking you from manifesting the right man.

Step 3: Be the person you want to attract.

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You want a rich man, but you buy concealer on credit card. You want someone who doesn’t lie, but you lie to your boss and your best friend. You want someone with a condo and a car, but you have a roommate and change or the bus. If you want an awesome man, you need to be awesome. Stop complaining. Stop being lazy. Follow your dreams. Take a class. Be generous with your friends. Tell your parents how much you love them. Look on the bright side. Go to the gym. Eat healthy. Stop gossiping. We attract what we are, not what we want. Be the sort of person you want to date.

Step 4: Break your patterns.

In order to attract the right man, you must be willing to shift your current mindset and break your patterns. What does this mean? Throw out the the list you made of your “perfect man”. Date people you normally wouldn’t date. Give yourself permission to do things you normally wouldn’t do. If you typically don’t like expressing your feelings, then make yourself talk, even though it’s uncomfortable. If you get physical with men quickly, then slow down. If you go out of your way for men, such as driving long distances to dates, or offering to cover the bill, then commit to letting someone go out of his way for you (if he doesn’t, be willing to let him go). The key is to step out of your comfort zone and break your patterns. Here’s a list of 100 ways to make your love life better if you need more ideas.

It takes desire, willingness, and courage to open your heart, do the inner-work, and make new choices, but the good news is that it is possible, and along the way, you’ll notice that you are attracting a different sort of man - one with integrity and character. For more advice on how to step out of your patterns, check out this article I wrote for Elephant Journal on why you should always do the opposite.