When You Want to Date an Unavailable Man, this is Your Intervention

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Dear beautiful and worthy woman,

I am so sorry that you feel compelled to date unavailable men, that you aren't attracted to nice guys who are clearly into you, but who are boring, and instead, you lust for the guys who don't want to commit, who are in a relationship, or who are sorta-kinda into you.

I've been there, and it sucks.

I'd liken the feeling to what I imagine a heroine addict might experience: a crazy drive to possess someone who, for whatever reason, isn't looking for a committed, monogamous relationship, followed by an almost lunatic-like withdrawal process when it becomes clear that the relationship has no future and detachment is the only path. The mind will tell you that this is the only person you'll ever feel this way about, that he'll change one day, that he sent you that flirty text message last Tuesday, and it will justify your fiendish behavior.

I am so sorry that you've experienced trauma in your life, that the neural patterns in your brain make it so that you equate love with abandonment, that it doesn't feel safe to receive love, and that you feel this irrepressible and inexplicable need to fix men.

I've been there, and trust me, it sucks.

When a man who is capable of love enters the picture, you run for the hills. You tell yourself things like he's boring, or ugly, or just not your type. Instead, your type is the guy who plays hot-and-cold, who enjoys the physical part of your relationship, but who can't offer stability or emotional support when it counts, who only wants you when it's convenient for him. He's the more attractive one: the man who you can't have. The other guys, the ones who consistently call, who say they're ready for something serious, you push them away. They're just a little too short, or a little too shy. Who wants to be with someone who says they're ready for the exact thing we claim we're ready for - love - when in actuality, we're not ready for it at all. The guys who push us away are way sexier. 

I've told that story before, and trust me, it's a crock of bull.

Because here's the truth, my gorgeous darling: you are worthy of love. You are worthy of a love that is wholly reciprocated, that is emotionally healthy, and you are worthy of dating a man who can show you that he only wants to be with you. You are worthy of intimacy, of truly communicating with someone about your innermost feelings, and of having someone adore you, not just for your body, but for your mind and soul - all the time, not just when it's convenient for him.

But in order to allow that sort of love into your life, you must let go of that unavailable man - the one who's oh-so-sexy, who flirts with you sometimes, who's clearly dating other women, even though he won't tell you. You must be willing to give him up. It's going to hurt like hell, as years of backwards programming (the relationship you had with your father and other men who you've been close to) will tell you that love = chasing after someone who's not available and fixing him. You're more comfortable with someone who isn't there for you than someone who is; someone who will inflict the same wounds you had inflicted in the past. You're caught in a negative loop, one in which you continue to attract the same pain in your life. And . you might even feel like you'll never get out of this negative pattern, that all men will treat you like crap.

That's wrong. You're wrong.

Be willing to break the pattern. The first step is letting go of that guy - the one you keep texting, the one you let into your life (and bed), even though some part of you knows that you're betraying yourself by doing so.

You must stop texting him, stop talking to him, and just cross the street. Go the other way. Choose another path. 

It's going to hurt - letting go of this negative pattern; I can promise you that. It's going to hurt like hell, actually, but on the other side of letting go is peace, a feeling of honoring yourself, and more space for love - reciprocated love.

You can do it. Trust me. Gather every morsel of willpower you have, and just do it. Your'e strong and brave, and you can do it. I hold space for you, and I am confident that you can make a radical shift. Have faith.

Love,

Jessie