Why Your Date Stopped Calling & Texting
While listening to the radio on my way to work this morning, I heard the story of a female caller who contacted the station to ask their advice. Apparently, after a recent divorce, she began dating again, only to find that the first man she met ghosted her, meaning, after their date, he ceased all communication and failed to offer a proper explanation as to why the two weren't a good match. The radio show hosts were getting ready to call the man and get to the bottom of the story, but just as the truth was about to be revealed, I parked, and was on my way.
It made me think of a similar when I was single and actively online dating. I met a man whom I saw at least three nights/days a week for almost two months. We never had a conversation about being monogamous, and when I invited him to my friend's Christmas party, he made a big fuss about how he was super busy with his family out in Long Island. If that didn't tip me off enough, we failed to make New Year's Eve plans, which was a night that I was certain we were going to spend together.
As the clock struck twelve, I awaited a call, or text message at the very least, but nope, not a peep - not even a dancing man emoji. At 1AM, I decided to listen to an audiobook by the spiritual teacher Byron Katie. As it played, I prayed for the sadness that filled every cell of my being to go away. I prayed for peace, calmness, and understanding. I prayed to see the situation correctly - to perceive the relationship (and then the sudden lack of a relationship) through new eyes. After about an hour of prayer and breathing, a steady feeling of calm washed over me. The anxiety I felt disappeared and my body loosened. I went into my living room, lit some candles and began to meditate. I repeated the mantra I am love hundreds of time in my mind. Behind my eyelids, I could see a pulsing white light. I felt a serenity that transcended the sadness I felt, my body, my identity, and my story of being the foolish woman who couldn't see this coming a mile away, the woman who'd not too long beforehand gotten out of a six-year relationship that ended suddenly and painfully, slipped from my mind as a memory from so long ago, the details were all a blur; and then, as I've had at other times in my life during moments of sadness, I had a revelation-a message that came to me as a small whisper and turned everything upside down and right side up.
Suddenly, it had occurred to me: I was deeply and utterly petrified of love.
It wasn't Adam's fault, it was mine. Because of my fear, I picked him. We were a perfect match, both terrified of being in an actual relationship. I wasn't sure about the root of my fears at that moment, but I suddenly became present to my own fear - as plain as daylight, and it was that fear that made me resonate with a man who didn't want to be in a relationship. It was my own feelings of insecurity and the pain in my heart that allowed me to choose a person of such little character that he couldn't even call to break things off with kindness. Once I became aware of my fear, I was able to forgive him for his behavior, as the simple truth was: on a deeper level, I picked him, and he taught me a great lesson, showing me a fear that was too deep beneath the surface for me to see without him doing what he did.
When someone stops calling or texting, whether after one date, or a month and a half, it is because he or she is mirroring back our own deep-seated fear of love, which can come from a lack of self-worth, childhood traumas, or past relationships that have left scars.
Before we can attract a mate who is ready for intimacy and a monogamous relationship, we must heal and become whole. After we do the internal work, which involves meditation, prayer, journaling, self-reflection, quiet time, and reading books that affirm our worth and ask us to look at our shadow parts, then and only then will we find ourselves ready to attract an emotionally healthy partner. When we attract partners who aren't ready, it's because we aren't ready. It's as simple as that. Relationships are an inner-game. Every single person is worthy of love, but very few people truly believe it, as they have become so accustomed to dysfunction and fear. As we become aware of our fears, transmute them, and heal, someone who is whole and emotionally ready will show up - just like that - effortlessly.