When No One is Blowing You Away

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A woman I know, when recounting her weekend, said that she’d gone on a few first dates, and when I asked her how they went, she responded with, “None of them blew me away.”

We’ve all been there: unimpressed by the pool of possible romantic matches. It’s not like they’re abhorrent, they’re just sort of meh - neither here nor there. And somehow, that feels even worse than going on a sleuth of terrible first dates.

You’d almost prefer to meet someone despicable than to have a date Who’s mediocre. Having coffee with average joe won’t even yield a good story to tell your friends.

That being said, what do you do when you find yourself going on one unimpressive date after the next? And why is it happening? Is it you? Is it your inability to decipher a potential date’s personality and overall attractiveness on the basis of their online profile? Partially, yes. But it’s deeper than that.

There two reasons for which you keep attracting dates who are just meh.

Reason #1: You’re in the process of becoming the person you were meant to be; you’re growing, learning, and having experiences, all the while deciding what you value, believe, and who you truly are (opposed to the personality you developed as a result of your childhood and expectations from society). If you’re still in the process of figuring out who you really are and what you believe, you have an inner-journey to take before you can find a partner who is going to stir your soul. In the interim, you may get involved in short-term relationships that will help you figure out who you really are, even if it’s just because they provide you clarity as to what you’re not looking for.

After the end of a six-year relationship, I was in a major transition in my life, as I’d moved back to New York, and I was faced with being independent after being part of a partnership. Shortly after the break up, I found myself in a relationship with a man who loved the outdoors. He took me hiking every weekend, something that I had never done, and even though our relationship was short-lived, I discovered something new about myself - that I loved being out in nature, more so than I would have imagined.

Every date, every relationship, is an opportunity to hone in on your likes and dislikes, and each one stretches you a little, even if the date is horrible. Eventually, you reach a place where you step into your authentic self, you will find someone who shares similar values; but until then, you will filter through a mix of people.

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Reason#2: Along the same lines as reason one, you’re unclear about exactly what you want in a partner. When most people think about their ideal partner, they typically fall into one of two camps. The first is that they have no specifications, profess their open-mindedness, and wind up with a mish-mosh of dates. The second is that they have superficial specifications, such as their ideal partner’s height, eye color, salary, and style of dress. The truth is that even if they meet someone who fulfills their list, these details are not relevant to building a strong foundation for a relationship.

So, if you’re single, rather than focusing on height and hair color, be discerning more discerning about your ideal mate’s character. Ask him about his belief system and overall world-view. For example, if you are a spiritual person, and you perceive life through certain metaphysical laws, such as the law of attraction, then it will be incredibly difficult to have a relationship with an atheist who values empiricism. While you might be able to date this person for a while, too many problems and disagreements would arise.

So here’s the key: If you’re meeting people who are humdrum, you’re still on an inner-journey: figuring out who you are authentically and discerning the exact sort of partner whose core values and worldview aligns with yours.

When the timing is right, you will meet someone who will give you that buzzy-magical-butterfly feeling, so be patient. Spend time meditating, journaling, reading books, and considering who you truly are and what your heart desires. As you step into your authentic power and become the person you were born to be, you will attract partners who resonate with you and who have a similar outlook on life. You’ll find that the two of you can stay up all night talking, and your connection is undeniable.