Why You Keep Attracting Unavailable Men

If you’re looking for a relationship, but you keep attracting unavailable men who have a fear of commitment, then stay hopeful, because not only do I know why you keep attracting losers, I also know the shifts you need to make in order to manifest your dream partner and relationship.

Right before I met my partner, Tim, I went on an online dating rampage from the ages of 30-32. I had just gotten out of a six-year-long relationship, and I knew that I was looking not only for a romantic partner, but for a spiritual partner, who I could connect with on topics like meditation, mindfulness, and how to discern between the voice of the ego and the voice of intuitive guidance. At the time, I was attracting atheist business-types who were interested in short-term casual dating, but who didn’t want to commit to anything past three months. I realized that I had to give my love life a radical makeover, and to do that, I had to shift my limiting beliefs and recognize the blocks I had to attracting my soulmate.

All this to say, I get it. It sucks dating jerks who are so handsome, charming, and perfect, until it comes time to talk about the relationship, and suddenly, you get a lame story about how he’s too young to settle down, or how he likes you, but not enough to commit to you. Still, it is possible to break this pattern, and you can do it by following these 4 steps:

STEP#1 Identify your blocks to love.

The world would suggest that in order to attract love, you need become smarter, better, and thinner. Maybe you should work on your career, lose some weight, and get a new hairstyle. Try giving yourself a makeover, or wearing high heels; that’ll improve your love life! Maybe you could take on a few new hobbies, or travel around the world, so you can regale dates with tales of exotic adventures overseas. Well, I hate to burst your bubble (wait, no I don’t), but the world is completely wrong.

How else could you explain the fact that there are so many fat, unattractive, and unstylish people who are in love? Why else would your loser friend Patty, who wears too much jewelry and green velvet dresses have the sweetest boyfriend, while you’re home alone, stuffing yourself with cake? It’s because you are good enough just as you are! You don’t need to add anything to your identity in order to attract love. You don’t need to dress cooler, get in better shape, or drive a nicer car. So, what do you need to do? You need to identify and release your blocks to love!

There are several blocks that you’re unaware of that are keeping love from you. Some common blocks include having a fear of letting love in (because you believe you will get hurt), not loving yourself, or not healing past traumas, which have caused you to put up walls around your heart.

Here’s the key: Your childhood has affected you more than you know. Your past failed relationships have affected you more than you know. Your limiting beliefs about what love is (as programmed in your mind by television, movies, and your single friends) have affected you more than you know. You’re attracting unavailable men, because you’re not ready for love. Actually, you’re deathly afraid of it! Your parents had a crummy relationship; you’ve been in a series of crummy relationships, and you’re unconsciously trying to protect yourself by staying single.

Once you become fully conscious of your blocks, you can begin to dissolve them by working with a coach, doing energetic work, such as reiki, or surrendering them over to the universe and praying for guidance.

Be sure to read Ten Things You Do That Keeps Love Away.

STEP#2 Learn what real self-love is.

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You look in the mirror and call yourself fat. You think your hair is too wispy, or too coarse. You don’t really like your nose, or your apartment, and maybe you don’t even think that you’re all that smart. You hate yourself, and there’s a voice in your head (that you refer to as your personality) that beats you up non-stop! It’s constantly criticizing you, berating you, and making you feel less-than-lovable. It calls you lazy, and it chastises you because you didn’t start the day by going to the gym (like you said you would), and instead of working on your screenplay, you chose to binge watch your favorite reality TV show while eating ice cream out of the container.

You don’t love yourself at all. In fact, you hate your guts.

But for some reason, you believe that somebody is going to come along, and that person is going to love all of the things that you hate about yourself. I know! It sounds crazy, but you need to be able to recognize all of the ways you hate yourself before you can begin to love yourself, because once you recognize how awesome you are and give yourself a break for not being 120 pounds with a glossy mane and a long list of accomplishments, you can finally exude confidence, which will attract your perfect mate. The men who are afraid of commitment can’t love you, because honey, you can’t even love yourself.

Read Self-love is Simpler Than You Think for a quick and easy method to learn how to love yourself.

STEP#3 Step out of your comfort zone.

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You’re used to dating the same sort of guy: He’s kind of a jerk, and even though you knew it from the beginning, you succumbed to his dimples and charm. You keep having the same meaningless relationships, which end the same way, with you, in bed, sobbing, and swearing that you’ll never make that mistake again! But as soon as another Mr. Charming Dimples texts you, asking for a selfie, you run to the mirror to apply some mascara, before puckering up for a pic.

Step out of your comfort zone!

Try dating a nice guy for once! Try dating a nerd! Or a bald guy! Or, God forbid, a short guy! Your parameters for who you will and won’t date are so limited that, basically, all they’re doing is filtering out the good men and making sure that there’s room for assholes. Change it up! Date someone older, or younger, or blonder, or more Chinese, or whatever! Just date someone you would never normally date, and see what happens!

STEP#4 Think like someone else.

You’re more messed up than you know. It sucks, I know. I’ve been there. Your parents really did a doozy on you. Your ex-boyfriends really hurt you bad. Your husband was a real son of a bitch. Think about it this way: You perceive life through a particular lens, and that lens is made up of past experiences, memories, and trauma. While your friend Betty, who’s in an emotionally mature partnership, sees life through pink lens, you see life through blue lens. Betty would never go out with a man, once he’s given her clues that he’s a playboy, but you would. Betty would never accept a man who cancels on her with a flaky excuse, but you would. Betty would be willing to step out of her comfort zone and date someone who she’d normally consider friend material, but you wouldn’t. Why? Because you’ve gone through so much trauma that you have a deep-rooted fear of love. When the man who would love you shows up, you push him away. The man who can’t love you at all treats you like trash, and you beg for scraps.

If you normally have sex on the third date, do something else. If you normally wouldn’t date a guy who was under six feet tall, give shorty a shot. If you normally wouldn’t express your emotions early on when dating, do it even though you’re afraid.

Here’s the key: You want to do the opposite, because if you don’t try something radically different, you’re going to continue getting the same results.

Be sure to read A Radical Way to Reinvent Your Love Life.

You can have the relationship you crave. You can meet your perfect match, who will treat you better than you ever could have fathomed, and when you meet that person, all of the inner-work that it took for you to get to that point will be so worth it, because he’s going to light you up, and you’re going to have the most delicious relationship ever. First, commit to doing the inner-work. Decide that you will do whatever it takes to break your negative patterns, heal past trauma, and learn to love yourself in order to let love in.

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Hi, I’m Jessie! I believe you can be spiritual and a badass. I believe you can manifest and be deeply connected to the divine and your intuitive guidance. I’ve been on the spiritual path for 15 years, and this blog is where I share hacks, lessons I’ve learned, and mindful dating advice. If you’d like to set up a session to discuss how to manifest your soulmate, meditate more, or make the perfect smoothie, contact me!