How to Get Over Your Fear of Commitment

If you want to get over your fear of commitment, and you want to manifest a relationship, then the journey you must take is inward; it’s an emotional and spiritual journey that involves healing the past and learning how to be more vulnerable. There are four steps to this process. How long it takes to move through each step is dependent on how great your fear is and how willing you are to release your blocks. These steps are meant to be done both independently, as well as together. Think of them as a menu: You can chose what suits you each day and in every moment.

Step 1: Heal past trauma.

You’ve been hurt by past partners, as well as family members. While you consciously tell yourself that you’ve moved on, there’s a part of you, deep within your subconscious mind, that believes that love = pain. This is because you’ve witnessed your parents engage in a dysfunctional relationship, with no ability of how to communicate in a loving manner. You’ve been in relationships that have ended with your heart breaking, and even if you’ve never been betrayed, there’s a part of you that has been deeply wounded and disappointed; it’s this part of you has decided that it’s safer to put up walls. You’ve developed actual neural pathways in your brain that say love and danger are synonymous. Because of this, when you begin a new relationship, you want to run away - not consciously, but subconsciously, and so you sabotage the relationship, withdraw, or choose partners who are as equally afraid of commitment as you are. 

So, how do you go about healing the past? Energy healing work always involves getting into an altered state of consciousness. This is because the conscious mind is limited. The conscious mind is rooted in definitions, perceptions, and beliefs. The conscious mind shouts: “But he hurt me!” or, “My father was an asshole!” You can’t do any healing from your thinking mind. You must enter into an altered state of consciousness, which can be done by sitting in silence, focusing on your breath, and letting your thoughts fall to the wayside as they pop into your mind. If you’ve never meditated, it’s as simple as turning your focus inward, instead of on the external world. As you enter into an altered state of consciousness, you want to set the intention to release all blocks to commitment. 

Say in your mind: I’m willing to release all blocks to receiving love. I’m willing to perceive things differently. 

After setting the intention, you can proceed to meditate by focusing on your breath, or you can do a mantra-based meditation, simply by repeating in your mind: I am love. It might take more than one meditation session for memories or experiences to come into your awareness. If you want to fast-track the process, you can try a shamanic ceremony, or work with a coach, who can guide you to using different things that come from nature to help get you in an altered state of consciousness.

Here’s the key: There are painful memories that you’re not looking at. A part of you has locked the past away in the closet of your mind and thrown away the key, but now, for the purpose of healing, you must open the door and shed the light of consciousness on your pain in order to transmute it. 

Step 2: Open your heart.

You have walls around your heart, or to use energetic terms, your heart chakra is blocked. Why? You have internalized the belief that it is safer to be on your own, and you must protect yourself. Because of this, you attract partners who mirror your own emotional reticence, and you push away people who want to love you fully. 

You want to open your heart and become more heart-centered, because you’ve been approaching life from a mind-centered state of being and have been driven by past patterning that hasn’t helped you to create a life filled with connection and unconditional love.

To start opening your heart, you want to do some visualizing work, while focusing on deep breathing.

Do a receiving light mediation:

1.Place your hand on your heart while sitting or laying comfortably.

2.Visualize you heart as a mass of light in your chest. 

3.Take deep, slow breaths. As you inhale, image light being pumped into your chest. As you exhale, imagine your heart expanding, like a balloon.

Feel your heart filling with light, with love. Imagine it growing. It might even become so big that it fills your entire body. It might become so big that it swells to the size of your house, your block, or the city in which you live. As you imagine your heart flooding with light, breath deeply (as if you were giving birth), and let your body receive the light. Actually feel your heart expanding.

All throughout the day, as you feel yourself closing, wanting to retract, place your hand on your chest and breathe. Bring your attention to your heart every time you feel fearful, or contracted.

Step 3: Acknowledge when you feel safe.

In order to become more vulnerable, you want to train yourself to recognize when you do feel safe. You can tell when you feel safe because your body is loose, relaxed, and your body is in an open posture, ready to receive. When you don’t feel safe, you are holding resistance, usually in your tummy, shoulders, or jaw. You cross your arms over your chest, or turn away from others.

You want to train yourself to recognize and acknowledge your body when it does feel safe. As you are in bed, feeling peaceful, become present to how your body feels and repeat I am safe in your mind. As you are with a romantic partner, and you feel close and connected, because you let yourself be vulnerable, become present and say to yourself (in your mind): I am safe. Feel it in your body. Pay attention to your breath, as well as how your body feels. 

The more you do this, the more you will be able to discern when you are withdrawing and contracting. All of a sudden, while out on a date, as your body begins to shut down, you’ll become present to it. Oh, I’m tensing up. I guess I don’t feel safe. I want to withdraw. In that moment, tell yourself that you are safe, and shift your body. Release resistance.

Step 4: Redefine commitment.

The word “commitment” leaves a bad taste in many people’s mouths. Why? Our culture tells the narrative of the unhappy married couple who stop having sex after a few years, nag each other, and whose relationship takes on the energy of roommate, more than an intimate partner. What if commitment was something you could do regardless of if you chose to get married or not? What if it was about two people who chose to open their hearts, align with their spirits, and come together for the purpose of stepping into their highest selves? What if you could become more intimate and connected as time went on? What if your relationship just kept getting better and better? What if instead of collecting resentments and withdrawing from your partner, you chose to share, communicate, and become even more deeply connected.

The truth is that commitment is a beautiful thing. It’s a declaration to the universe (and to your partner) that you are willing to align with your spirit, choose love, and continue to have faith as problems arise (because they will). It’s a statement that you choose to see the best in your partner, that you will be honest, even when you are afraid, and you will allow yourself to be loved fully, without stirring up drama, or being moody as a way of pushing your partner away.

The deeper you connect with another and allow that person to experience the depth and breadth of you: body, mind, and soul, the more you can grow, both individually and together.

A committed partnership sets both people on an awakening fast-track, as you have someone who will love all of you and who is willing to do the work when fears arise and you are triggered. With a spiritual partner, you can manifest quicker, feel inspired, and open up to receiving more love than you ever thought possible. 

All that it takes to get over your fear of commitment is the willingness to release your blocks and open your heart. The good news is that it takes more energy to shut down and put up walls than it does to open up and let the walls go. If you commit to going on the inner-journey, you will find that your fears of commitment will fall away, and you’ll feel safe enough to open your heart and let someone in. If you’d like to set up a session to work through your blocks, contact me here.

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Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve been on the spiritual path for 15 years, and this blog is where I share hacks, lessons I’ve learned & mindful dating advice. I believe you can be spiritual and a badass. I believe you can live boldly, pursue your passions, & love fully. If you’d like to work with me, send me a message.