5 Secrets to Becoming Irresistible

If you want how to be irresistible (and who doesn’t?) then there are a few secrets that are easy to put into practice once you understand the energetic implications of your behavior and mindset. So, if you want to be the sort of person who effortlessly attracts others, who’s magnetic and dynamic, and who has no shortage of people asking you out, then get excited, because becoming irresistible is not as difficult as the world might suggest. You don’t need to have perfect abs, shiny hair, or fancy degrees.

The secret to becoming more magnetizing to others is shift your energy. You see, you attract people to you on an energetic level. That’s why it’s often true that the sexiest person in the room is not the one with the greatest face symmetry and the perkiest breast. It’s the person who lights up the room, who communicates presence without saying a word.

There are 5 secrets if you want to become irresistible, so get ready to take notes: 

#1 Be open and easy.

Most people approach dating all wrong. They go on their first date with the mindset of an employer about to conduct an interview. What sort of music do you like? they ask, mentally recording their date’s response. Do you want children? Who did you vote for? I’m messy…Are you okay with that? If you walk into a coffee shop, ready to meet Joe from OkCupid with a mental checklist of everything you’re looking for, all too eager to dismiss him for being too short, too chatty, and not as interested in vegan food as you’d hoped, then not only are you missing the whole point of dating, you’re also putting out a repulsive energy. The interview mindset produces a contracted, closed energy; it says to the other person, Prove that you’re worthy, which creates within the other a desire to go on the defense, because no one likes to go on interviews.

Instead, you want to approach dates with an open, easy energy. When I say easy, I don’t mean to suggest that you should be easy, as in, behave like a slut, rather, that you need to give your date a chance. Your date shouldn’t have to prove his worth; rather, you’re just looking to have a lovely afternoon at a coffee shop getting to know him. There’s no pressure. Relax.

#2 Be more interested than you are interesting.

People love it when others pay attention to them. The love to talk, share stories about their life, their opinions on the world, and what fascinates them. As individuals, we tend to believe that we’re the only ones who spend hours browsing Pinterest for design ideas, reading about the micro biome, or charting hiking trails in Arizona. We hold off on talking about our passions with others, because we fear that they’ll reject them. That being said, if you can express genuine interest in your date - in their hobbies, memories, and dreams, all of a sudden, he’ll feel bolstered and worthy. 

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Here’s the key: Your date will remember the way you make him feel more than he will recall which college you attended, your cat’s name, or the fact that you enjoy Mexican food.

#3 Shift from getting to giving.

Really bad dates are the result of two selfish people coming together. There’s a tendency to focus on what the other person is or isn’t doing to impress. Did he pick a nice enough place? Did he remember to ask if you wanted another glass of wine? When you show up on a date with scripts and guidelines, you become an energetic match to others who are equally as selfish and demanding. You cannot attract a generous, conscious person if you aren’t vibrating that energy.

This is not to say that you pay for every date and let people treat you crummy. Absolutely not. But what I am saying is that if you want to attract a partner, you want to cultivate an open, loving, and generous vibration. People love to be around others who are generous and loving. Stingy, self-centered behavior is repulsive, and if you’re putting out that energy, you’re going to find that no one wants to ask you on a second date. 

#4 Stop complaining. 

Similarly, if you want to be irresistible, you need to show up as the sort of person people want to be around, which means that you need to stop complaining! Shitty things happen in life. I get it. The train is late. Your pipes burst. The guy at the supermarket cuts you in line and then calls you a cunt. It’s a rough ride here on Earth. However, nobody wants to hear you complain, especially not someone who’s considering if he wants to have sex with you. People have their own crummy lives to deal with.

Let’s pretend that your job is less-than-enjoyable. All of the employees would prefer other jobs, however, life has brought them (and you) to this particular place of employment. It would be easy to sit in the cafeteria, or stand around the photocopy machine in the morning and complain about the low pay, the angry boss, and the late hours. 

But who wants to hear it? No one! You want to be the sort of person who makes tough situations better, not worse. The most attractive people are positive; they lighten the mood when it’s tense, and they remind you that nothing is as big of a deal as it seems. They make you laugh when takeoff has been delayed for three hours and you have diarrhea from airport food. Those are the people you cherish - the ones who you’re able to enjoy any experience with - waiting in an offensively long line at the mall, pushing your car with a flat tire to the mechanic, or painting the basement when you’re exhausted.

The same is true of your dating life. If you show up ready to focus on the positive and eager to enjoy the date, then you will multiply your level of attractiveness tenfold. It’s not about those ten pounds you think you need to lose, or the fact that you live with a roommate, or haven’t followed your dreams. What the world would suggest as a checklist of items that make you appealing is largely superficial. Fix your attitude and watch what happens. Learn to smile more and watch what happens. Stop complaining and watch what happens. 

You’ll find that more people will want to be around you more of the time, and the people who you attract into your life will be more joyful and kind, because you resonate on that level. You’ll be an energetic match to awesomeness.

#5 Be present. 

Everyone’s on their phones. Everyone’s in their head, nervous about what to say next, considering what’s going to happen in the future, and hatching exit plans. Everyone’s kinda-sorta-halfway-there. If you’re distracted, or using your mental space to chart future events, you’re not being present with the person in front of you. When that happens, you unconsciously withdraw eye contact, and your body language changes. You’re turned toward the barista instead of your date. You cross your arms over your chest, indicating that you’re closed off. Your eyes dart around the restaurant right when he’s in the middle of explaining how much he enjoys his slow cooker. 

It’s easy to lose sight of the moment - to ignore the fact that your date is sharing about his mom, and instead, have a quiet conversation in your mind about whether they’re marriage material, to be so caught up in the future that you miss the moment. Here’s the secret: The other person can sense if you’re present and in the moment, or not. People love others who are present and focused on them. It feels amazing to have someone really listen to you, to have someone pay attention to you, and not because they want to get something (like sex, or a free dinner), but because, if only for that hour, all that matters is you. This doesn’t mean you have to feel a romantic connection (many times, you’ll go on a date and find out that you’d be more inclined to be friends with this person), nonetheless, you can be present with them. 

People who are present and conscious are infinitely more attractive and magnetic than those who are unconscious, distracted, and plotting and planning in their mind.

You can always tell someone’s level of consciousness by looking in their eyes. Someone who’s present has a spark, a light, and it draws you in. Someone who’s distracted has duller eyes, and they’re usually darting around the room, signaling a strong desire for escape.

Well, that wraps it up! Those are five ways you can become more magnetic and attractive. So, eat the cupcake and forgo the extra trip to the nail salon. Focus on your energy, because that’s what’s going to allow you to manifest your perfect match. Focus on becoming so aligned and high-vibrating that people can’t help but want to be around you, because you light them up; because your energy is light, and that is attractive.


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Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve written about mindful dating, spiritual partnership & awakening for Elephant Journal & Thought Catalog. I’m also a featured blogger on the dating site YourTango. I can help you remove your blocks to love, heal your relationship, or become more confident. Set up a 1-hour coaching session (more about that here).