What’s Blocking Your Transformation: Resistance to the Lesson


Every stage of growth requires that you recognize the fear that’s holding you back, and you take radical responsibility for making a shift. The process will require an extraordinary amount of humility, which is why developing a consistent spiritual practice can be helpful. The next step will require that you look at things like your selfishness, arrogance, fear of love, judgments, negative thinking patterns, sense of entitlement, lack of gratitude, or insecurity, just to name a few. 

Self-transformation means that you stop blaming other people, or external situations, and instead, you recognize all the ways you’re holding yourself back. While the world teaches us that the problems are out there, true transformation requires that you look inward.

Recently, I had an opportunity to look inward. I behaved in a way that was childish and unkind; in the moment, my mind came up with a whole story about how the other person was wrong, but in my heart, I knew I was behaving like a mean brat. I was overly emotional, moody, fatigued, and hungry. I threw a fit. I went unconscious. 

I had two choices. The first one was to hold onto what my mind was saying about how it was the other person’s fault; I could refuse to accept any responsibility, and if I would have taken that route, it would have really hurt my relationship. The second choice was to recognize that there is a part of my personality that can act like a complete bitch sometimes. I have no idea where she comes from, but all of a sudden, she shows up, and if I listen to her complaints and criticisms, I wind up pushing away the people I love dearly. 

Let me tell you, it was a hard lesson to receive.

There’s an energy in me that wants to push people away, find reasons to be unhappy, and withdraw from love.

There’s an energy in me that wants to push people away, find reasons to be unhappy, and withdraw from love.

It’s hard to see your shadows, your fears, and the dark parts of your personality that keep love, or joy from entering your life. It can feel hard to see that you don’t have intimacy in your relationship because of a negative pattern you have, you are stuck in debt because you overspend, or you can’t lose weight, because you have so much self-hatred that you use food to beat yourself up.

It takes a lot of spiritual maturity to take 100% ownership of your life, and also, it’s the first step to real transformation. Once you are willing to recognize the fearful parts of your personality, or the negative patterns that are keeping you from manifesting your desires, you can begin to change your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

All that’s stopping you from having the life that you want is, well, you. That can be hard to digest.

To get to the next step in your life: manifesting a new job, finding a partner, or deepening the connection you have to your children, family, or friends, you will need to evolve into the next version of YOU.

Your journey has absolutely nothing to do with other people, or any external situation. It doesn’t matter where you were born, what you look like, whether your partner likes to communicate, or how jealous your friends behave. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what city you live in, your health challenges, or how much trauma you’ve suffered.

All that’s required to truly transform your life is to receive your next lesson. Now, let me get real here: Receiving a lesson can feel like one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Why? Because your mind will always tell you that the problem is out there.

I didn’t get the promotion, because my boss doesn’t like me. I can’t find love because men only like young women who look like supermodels. I can’t make amends with my family, because they’re judgmental. I can’t start my own business, because no one in my family has ever done that before.

Your mind tells you why you can’t move, why you can’t get the job, or why you can’t manifest a partner, and what it says is that the situation is out of your control; it’s simply impossible. It’s out there - some force beyond you is keeping you from manifesting the next step in your life. 

When you believe what your mind says, you never have to step out of your comfort zone. When you put the blame out there, you get to stay home in your pajamas, watch Netflix and eat cookies. You don’t have to meet people, get into a relationship, or go back to school. 

This is what’s keeping you from taking your life to the next level: It’s easier to avoid responsibility altogether, rather than looking at your shit.

While it can feel challenging, doing the internal work results in real change, because life doesn’t get better when other people change, life gets better when you change. Life gets better when you recognizing all of the ways you misperceive people and circumstances. Life gets better when you recognize how you’re holding yourself back, and it gets better when you make a commitment to aligning with love, even if you have to apologize, step out of your comfort zone, or admit that you behave in a way that is not in alignment with your Spirit.

No one ever said that the spiritual path was easy, but it’s the way to experiencing and manifesting more peace, joy, and love than you ever could’ve imagined. So, be willing to check in with your heart and ask: Where am I withholding love? How can I be more generous, open-hearted, and trusting? How can I let go of fearful thinking that’s keeping me from becoming my best self?


Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve written about mindful dating, spiritual partnership & awakening for Elephant Journal & Thought Catalog. I’m also a featured blogger on the dating site YourTango. I can help you remove your blocks to love, heal your relationship, or become more confident. Set up a 1-hour coaching session (more about that here).