Chronic Texting is Ruining Your Love Life


If you use dating apps and meet men from online, you’re likely to get caught in the trappings of over-texting early on when you’re just getting to know a guy. It can be tempting to want to text non-stop, especially if he’s initiating the messages, however, if you’re looking for a long-term partnership, not just a couple of weeks of fun, flirty encounters, then chronic texting early on could be a big mistake. In fact, It could be ruining your love life.

Now, if you’ve over-texted, and thus, over-invested in a guy who turned out to be a flake, disappearing after a few days or two weeks, then the first thing to understand is that in no way should you beat yourself up. We’ve all made the mistake of getting excited by the prospect of love too soon, and from a place of eager excitement, invested more time and energy than it was worth. (We’ve all been there, ladies.)

Now, what’s important is to learn from the past, and furthermore, to understand why it’s a bad idea to over-text and over-invest before you’ve at least gone on four or five dates and have spent time together in-person, because the truth is that you’re only setting yourself up for heartbreak when you text too much too soon. Why? There are 3 major reasons. Let’s dig deeper.

Reason #1: You create a false image.


When a man you’re attracted to sends a barrage of messages, all of which express sweet sentiments, your mind creates a romanticized image that he’s never going to be able to fulfill. The truth about relationships is that it can be awkward at first, and getting to know someone doesn’t always feel as glamorous as in the movies. It’s not about big professions or love, or non-stop lovey-dovey emojis (that’s a false image of what love is); rather, it’s about truly getting to know someone, and this requires time. If you get caught up in nonstop messaging, it can prove difficult to discern between who your date really is and who you want him to be, and this distinction is imperative the first two to three weeks of dating.

It’s too easy to craft a persona by texting. Instead of getting your hopes up, because your date is so charming via text, be patient enough to see how he is in person. Keep your texting to a minimum. Get to know a man in person before deciding that he’s worthy of an hour of daily text exchanges.

Reason #2: He’s texting other women the same things.

Many men text with multiple women, and they’re equally as complimentary to all of them. While there’s nothing wrong with being flirtations, your job is to recognize that you want man who shows up in real life and makes time for you. Yes, texting can play a role in scheduling and keeping in touch, don’t be fooled into thinking that a man who contacted you on Monday is smitten by Friday night. He’s not. He’s telling lots of women the same things. So, reply with a gracious thank you, but don’t let your mind runaway with all of the possible futures you two could have until he’s proven that he’s ready to show up in person.

Be willing to consider the following: If this guy is flooding my phone with texts about how he’s struck by my beauty and intelligence, but we haven’t spent a lot of time together, then what are the odds that he is genuine? What you’re looking for is a partner who’s not stricken by every beautiful woman he meets. Yes, he’s interested in you, but he expresses it by showing up. He plans dates, shows up on time, and spends time with you. Sending a barrage of text at 10p.m. on a Wednesday night does NOT constitute as shown up. 

Reason #3: A fiery beginning can burn out fast.

The affection from men who give too much praise early-on tends to fizzle. A man who’s ready for an emotionally healthy relationship doesn’t need to win you over with over-the-top charm or a constant stream of texts. He knows that cultivating a relationship requires time and effort. He’s not going to feel you bullshit lies to try to get you in bed. Rather, he’s going to be eager to spend time with you in person and grow your relationship in a way that is natural, not rushed.

He’s not going to be stricken by every beautiful woman he meets, casually sending fifty texts after the first date. Yes, he’ll express interest in you, but he will do it by planning dates, listening to your interests, and spends time with you doing things you enjoy. Sending a barrage of text at 10p.m. on a Wednesday night does NOT constitute as showing up. It’s what men do when they want to have fun and close the deal quickly.

Exchanging countless texts makes you feel like you know a man, but the truth is that you don’t. Over-texting leads to a false sense of intimacy, which makes you trust a man with your body and heart before you actually should.

Here’s the head game I want you to play in order to get your love life back on track: Convince yourself that there is a perfect match out there for you, and he’s going to plan dates, show up, and express fondness for you when the timing is appropriate. He’s going to show up in real life, not online, or over the phone. He’s not going to be vague when setting up dates, and he’s not going to flake. Getting to know you will be a priority in his life, because he’s ready for a relationship, and, just as you recognize that he’s a catch, he’ll recognize that you’re a catch.

Texting means absolutely nothing in the dating world. It doesn’t take any energy or thoughtfulness whatsoever. It’s just a way to connect, but after the initial, Hey, your profile looks great! I’d love to get to know you better. Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee sometime, the rest of the compliments, charming banter, and endless exchange of selfies are meaningless. What reveals a man’s character is his willingness to develop a relationship in the real world, not over the phone.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you become a pessimist, but rather, that you shift from projecting your romantic wishes onto every man who’s willing to tell you how beautiful you are ten times a day. That’s the sign of a playboy, not a man who’s ready to connect in an emotionally healthy way. That guy-the one who’s ready for love-will pick out a restaurant, schedule a time to see you, and show up on time. It’s going to be better than texting in your pajamas while cuddling with your cat, because it’s going to be real. So, give up the playboys and wait for an emotionally mature man; trust me, he’s well worth the wait.


Hi, I’m Jessie! I’ve written about mindful dating, spiritual partnership & awakening for Elephant Journal & Thought Catalog. I’m also a featured blogger on the dating site YourTango. I can help you remove your blocks to love, heal your relationship, or become more confident. Set up a 1-hour coaching session (more about that here).

SINGLEJessica Leon