Trust in Divine Order


I have learned so much on my spiritual journey over the past year, probably more than I have in the last ten years combined. It has been profound and beautiful and confusing and illuminating. I've felt like I've been carried by the universe, led from one thing to the next, as I've trusted my heart and learned to identify my egoic thoughts, choosing, instead, to follow my intuitive voice.

And then all of the came to an abrupt stop: I felt like I no longer understood God's will for me; I was no longer on the right path; things were not lining up for me, but rather, falling away from me. I was more confused than ever. I questioned my journey with God. How could God lead me to a dead end?

Of course, it was my perception that needed shifting (it always is). There is never a dead end. All change is growth. All change is expansion. All clearings are making room for newness. Last summer, I immersed myself in A Course in Miracles, and my ego completely unraveled. This summer, it's A Course of Love, and I can feel everything I thought I knew about love unraveling. I thought I understood love. I even thought I understood unconditional love.

I didn't.

The thoughts of the world fall away. It is the strangest thing. And everything friends, family, and, and more importantly, my mind tells me, is false. The mind that wants to define and categorize according to constructs created by the world... I felt unhappy because my emotions came from thoughts that were untrue. For example: the world says love is equanimity. This is not a metaphysical truth. Truth in the world of form and truth in the world of spirit are two very different things. This is what causes most people emotional pain: they are not able to discern the difference.

That's the miracle: a shift in perception.

Tonight, I walked along the water by the Verrazano bridge (one of my favorite places), and the sky was a canvas of pinks, purples, and fiery oranges. Fat clouds seemed to breathe, expanding and contracting - dancing - it was like I could reach them with my fingers. I could pull them close and press them into my body if I wanted to.

This universe that feels so paper thin...this holographic dream.

And I knew I had to trust the divine order of all things, the beautiful and perfect way the sun rises and the sun sets, the way the tide ebbs and flows. I am exactly where I need to be in life. And everything I need, everyone who needs to be here, is here.

The only concern of the universe (and our soul) is the evolution of our consciousness: the dissolution of the world's ideas of fear replaced by God's ideas of love, the softening of our edges, the recognition of where we are withholding love, the letting go of grievances. That's all God is concerned with, and God/our soul will give us whatever we need to make that happen...even situations that appear painful.

And so I was thinking...

I'm just going to give in and soften now. I'm going to forgive now. I'm going to love now. I'm going to see my brother through the eyes of the Holy Spirit now. I'm going to trust that whoever is in my life is meant to be there. I'm going to trust that I'm on the right path. I'm going to see where I'm withholding love, and I'm going to give love. I'm going to see where I'm being negative, and I'm going to shift to positivity. I'm going to give more. I'm going to open more. I'm going to love more.

The ego tells us the opposite: it tells us to shut down and withdraw when we feel hurt. It tells us to run away. It tells us it isn't safe to love, to give; it asks questions. It seeks understanding.

Love just is. It just allows. I'm not going to wait for the universe to reflect back to me where I'm withholding love by bringing me another person or circumstance that feels painful. I'm going to give love freely. I'm going to trust divine order.

I used to follow the thought system of the world, and I was unhappy. Now, I'm committing to another thought system. I'm giving it a shot. I look up at the sky, and I look at the water, and I can't help but think: If whatever created this is pushing me to learn, to grow, to let go, to love, then I'm going to say yes. Yes, I will stop withholding love. I will stop judging. I will stop being fearful. I will stop trying to be perfect. I will stop being critical. Have your way with me. I will love and love and love. 

Jessica Leon